When people imagine milestones in life, they tend to think about things like finishing school, maybe going to college, getting married, having a family, retiring, etc. There are some other goals in there, but those are the big things that 9 out of 10 of us assume we’ll do in our lifetime, which is great, as long as it’s what you actually want rather than things to do to tick off boxes. In particular, relationships aren’t a checklist.

The things that fulfill you will be different from person to person—heck, they can even be different from day to day. In my opinion, though, one of the most fulfilling parts of life is relationships. Being in one just because it feels like you “should be” isn’t exactly going to feel great. 

Going Through the Motions

A big problem for many relationships is that the people in them are just going through the motions of being in a relationship. They may even act like good partners, but their hearts aren’t in it. Emotionally, they’ve checked out, even if they still seem the same on the outside. It’s sort of like they’re in a play, just acting out a part because it feels like it’s what they should be doing—not really what they want to be doing. 

Maybe at first, you don’t notice any difference. Over time, though, the longer they pretend to want something they don’t, the harder it gets. And the more it affects your relationship in a bad way. 

Despite feeling miserable, people can trap themselves in a relationship they’ve already checked out of. They may do so because it’s easier than being alone or because they don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings. They may also just like the way they’re treated by their partner and want to continue enjoying that treatment. 

Or maybe it feels like they’ve been with their partner too long to break up. At a certain point, it can feel humiliating to stay with someone for years only to admit you don’t love them. It can feel like you wasted everyone’s time, and getting back into the dating pool feels like a personal failure, especially because there is often an expectation to get married at a certain point. 

Life is More Than Milestones

While it varies from culture to culture, most societies have an unspoken expectation of getting married as a young adult and starting a family. In the US, it feels like everyone starts getting married somewhere between their early and late 20s. Not being married by then can make you a bit of a pariah, which never feels good. 

To avoid that stigma, romance can become part of a lifelong to-do list. You don’t do it because you really want to but because you feel like you kind of have to. 

It’s especially hard not to feel like you’re falling behind on that to-do list when the people around you are doing everything “right.” They’re ticking off all the boxes for their life list, no problem. Finish school, check. Start a career, check. Get married, check.  

And suddenly, the pressure is on to “catch up” before it’s too late. So you end up staying with someone who doesn’t love you, or maybe you don’t love them just because they’re a body you can use to check off that particular box. But relationships aren’t a checklist. 

Staying with someone because you feel pressured to be in a relationship isn’t going to make you happy. And over time, it will poison your relationship because, eventually, someone will reach a point where they resent pretending to care. From there, everyone is miserable, and you either stay miserable til the day you die or you divorce. 

Not exactly a pretty picture. 

This is why realizing that relationships aren’t a checklist is so important. Rather than letting fear and social pressure force you into something that doesn’t make you happy, it’s a lot better—not to mention healthier—to be intentional with your relationships. Take your time and make sure you’re with someone because you want to be, not because they check off a box.

Find the Right Person. The Rest Will Follow

It’s convenient to marry the person you met in your late teens/ early twenties and just sort of stay with them. And while that may feel like the right time to meet your future spouse, that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re the right person. 

Despite how it may feel, the social pressure is slowly easing off of getting married young, too. Research shows that fewer people are getting married young while more are taking their time before tying the knot.

Taking your time to find the right person is more accepted than ever. When you do finally find that right person, I promise it’s worth it. They make you want to be a better person. They make all the time you waited for them, and the effort you put into the relationship feel worth it. And your relationship will naturally progress at whatever pace you’re both comfortable with. 

With the right person, every day feels worthwhile, and when you finally pop the question, it will feel even better to hear them say ‘yes.’ Because you’ll know you’re with them because you want to be and that they’re with you because they want to be. The right relationships aren’t a checklist you settle for just to mark them off. They’re just two people who value, cherish, and love each other.

Have you ever felt like you were just going through the motions in a relationship?

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