Devin Dornbrock Growing up, we’ve all heard the common phrases “Be a man,” “You throw like a girl,” or even “Boys will be boys.” While these sayings may seem harmless, if mildly sexist, they can also reinforce certain behaviors. Behaviors can be really harmful in the long term because they subconsciously push an extreme version of masculinity. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it all comes down to the idea of “toxic masculinity.” What is toxic masculinity though?
What is Toxic Masculinity?
Toxic masculinity is a bit of a nebulous concept, one that can be hard to put into exact words. The best way to understand it is to think about stereotypes. To oversimplify, toxic masculinity is any behavior that encourages the worst stereotypes of masculinity. Stereotypes like men should be strong, unemotional, and dominant and should reject anything “feminine.” Men who fail to demonstrate these traits are not “real” men and should be ridiculed by others.
It doesn’t help that society often reinforces the expectations of how men should or shouldn’t act. TV shows and movies, advertisements, and even the differences in how people are treated all work together to instill certain ideals in us, whether those ideals are healthy or not.
Let me be clear: there is nothing wrong with being masculine. The problem comes when we start to create a narrow, rigid view of masculinity, especially when we start telling people how they should or shouldn’t act based on that rigid view.
One of the many ways toxic masculinity harms us is that it stunts emotional intelligence. Young boys are told to toughen up when upset rather than be taught how to process their emotions. Those emotions don’t go anywhere though. Teaching boys to ignore or suppress their emotions only leads to bottling them up. Often with explosive and violent results down the line.
How Toxic Masculinity Hurts Relationships
Men who have a hard time processing their emotions or lack emotional intelligence altogether will have a tough time in their relationships. Relationships are partnerships. If you’re taught from a young age that you must be the leader, make the decisions, not rely on anyone else, and not talk about your feelings. Well, you’ll have a really hard time treating someone as your partner. Especially if that partner is someone you’ve been taught to provide for and protect because they can’t be expected to do any of that stuff themselves.
Even in the case that someone raised in a toxically masculine environment can open up and learn some emotional intelligence, they often become emotionally dependent on their partner. That emotional dependence can lead to men making their partners their therapists. Managing two people’s emotional health and stability can be a huge burden especially because men can still feel a lot of social pressure to ignore their emotions and vulnerabilities.
Emotional literacy aside, open communication and willingness to compromise are key tenets of a healthy relationship. Unfortunately, toxic masculinity heavily discourages both. Communicating with your partner before making a decision can be seen as a weakness, even more so if you compromise. Just take a look at pop culture and all the jokes about men being “whipped” by their girlfriends.
The times may be changing but I at least remember growing up and seeing men in happy relationships used as the butt of the joke on tv. TV shows often depict male characters openly mocking their friends for being in healthy relationships and treating their significant others as partners rather than just attractive eye candy.
Unlearning Toxic Masculinity
Times are changing though, little by little. A report by the Pew Research Center from October 2024 shows that 60% of Americans believe there isn’t enough value placed on men who are caring or open about their emotions. The report also shows many believe too much value is placed on men who are “physically strong, assertive, or risk-takers”, all values traditionally associated with masculinity and amplified by toxic masculinity.
The report shows that many other behaviors that are seen as being toxically masculine are generally frowned upon, too. This means that even if it doesn’t feel like it, public opinion has shifted away from the domineering version of masculinity that has been harmful to so many.
The process of unlearning toxic masculinity isn’t a quick or easy one. It involves going against many of the things we’ve been taught for years, even decades. It means learning empathy and being willing to take accountability for the harm your actions have caused. Even if the harm was done unintentionally, it also means learning to be vulnerable and questioning traditional gender roles.
On the topic of gender roles, while toxic masculinity is generally about the behaviors of men, that doesn’t mean women are uninvolved in promoting it as well. This means unlearning toxic masculinity is something we all can learn to do.
What is toxic masculinity to you?
