It’s a no-brainer that one of the most important things is trust in relationships. Your partner is the person you are likely most vulnerable around, and you open up to them in ways you don’t open up to anyone else, and they know most- if not all of your darkest secrets.
So, let’s talk about why breaking trust is so bad, especially with things like loyalty tests.
What is a loyalty test?
Let’s go over what a loyalty test is first. A loyalty test is where you (or your friend) reach out to your significant other as someone other than you and try to tempt them into cheating. If your partner turns them down, they pass. If they don’t, the ruse is revealed, and it’s usually a very dramatic moment that ruins the relationship.
There have been tons of viral videos online that have made loyalty tests incredibly popular to perform, whether for real or just as a joke. Either way, performing them is usually not good for trust in relationships.
Why do people do them?
A lot of people do loyalty tests as a joke. I’ve seen tons of internet videos where people go up to random guys or girls on the street and ask if they can perform one. I’ve also seen more serious videos where people pay others to perform them on partners they think are cheating.
I’m not here to judge whatever reason people have for doing them; I’m just here to point out they’re not exactly hallmarks of a healthy relationship.
You’re going to lose no matter the outcome
Even if your partner does “pass” the test, it’s still a pretty crappy thing to do to them. When it’s done as a joke, it can be pretty hurtful when it comes to light. It feels like you don’t trust your partner, and it kind of feels like you wanted them to cheat. For some people, performing a loyalty test on them can even be grounds to end the relationship immediately.
If you’re doing it as more than a joke because you seriously think they might be cheating on you, a loyalty test is not the way to go.
Most people will have a hard time coming back from a loyalty test, regardless of whether they passed or not. If they pass, they’ll lose trust in you, and if they don’t, you clearly won’t trust in them. Either way, your relationship could be done, and it’s pretty hard to come back from the broken trust in relationships like that.
Trust your partner enough to talk to them
If it’s not a joke, the biggest reason someone performs a loyalty test is that they don’t trust their partner, and they think testing them will either put their minds at ease or confirm their fears.
Before it comes to that, talk to your partner. Tell them you feel you’re drifting apart or bring up any specific concerns that might lead you to believe they’re cheating on you. If you can talk things over before you let fear get to you, your relationship may be stronger for it.
The odds are that your partner isn’t cheating on you; it’s just a matter of miscommunication. Give them the chance to rectify that before going to extremes. If you’re having trouble communicating with them, we have a whole series on different communication styles. You never know; trying them out might save your relationship.
Building back trust
A relationship without trust is miserable for everyone. When you don’t trust your partner, you’re miserable and stuck wondering when they will betray you. Assuming your partner is worthy of trust, they’re going to be miserable wondering why you can’t trust them.
If your partner isn’t worthy of trust, well… Why are you with them?
Have a serious discussion
If you’ve lost trust in your partner, think about what they can do to earn it back. In all honesty, there probably won’t be any one thing that will miraculously build back your trust, and it’s important to think about it nonetheless. If you don’t think there’s anything they can do, then it might be time to consider where your relationship is going.
Share where your head and heart are at as soon as you’re ready so you can work with your partner to develop a plan. They might have some ideas to help earn your trust that you hadn’t considered. It is important to show them you’re trying to trust them again.
You’ll probably feel pretty vulnerable talking about stuff like this but showing them that you can still open up to them is a great first step. It won’t be the last for sure, but it’s a start.
Sometimes it isn’t even your partner’s fault that you can’t trust in relationships. Sometimes there are other causes, and it can be hard to accept that. It may feel like cheap tests are an easy way to get the trust you want. In the end, all that does is make things worse, though.
No matter how you feel, it’s still a good idea to open up about your concerns with your partner. If that’s too hard, consider going to a professional.
If you’ve talked to your partner and just can’t come up with a way to build back your trust in them, it might be time to bring in a professional.
Couples therapy can be a great tool to help your relationship if you’re not ready to call it quits but can’t seem to get back to a healthy place. If you’re not sure where to find the right help, check out Psychology Today’s search tool. They have tons of therapists in their directory and can help you find one in your area.
There shouldn’t be any shame in going to couples’ counseling. Couples’ therapists are trained to help you out. If you can afford to, you should take advantage of them. They might even help you out with other sources of conflict in your relationship and help foster healthier relationships in the future.
Building back trust in relationships isn’t an easy thing to do. Whether your partner broke your trust or someone else did, there isn’t a simple solution to fix things. It’s going to to a lot of hard work, and things like loyalty tests are not the answer.
What is something that would break your trust in relationships?