Devin Dornbrock You may remember the trending videos on TikTok a few years back about “weaponized incompetence.” The videos revolve around someone being given a chore or task to complete and then re-enacting or retelling the outcome of their attempt. The tasks weren’t hard to complete and could usually be done by anyone, so why were they trending? It all comes down to the meaning of weaponized incompetence and the resulting outrage audiences felt on behalf of one party or the other.
What is Weaponized Incompetence?
First, let’s start with what “weaponized incompetence” means. The term can sound like an oxymoron if you’re unfamiliar with it. How can incompetence be weaponized? Simply put, weaponized incompetence is a manipulation tactic where someone uses their inability to do something as an excuse to push others into doing it for them.
This is often accompanied by at least one instance or anecdote of a time when someone purposely failed to complete the task. For example, you may try to persuade another to do the dishes by bringing up the time you tried but accidentally broke the dishwasher or forgot to put in soap.
The goal of weaponized incompetence is to make it seem like less of a hassle for someone else to complete the task themselves. If only to save time, since they would need to redo anything you did anyway. This makes it a manipulation tactic, as it forces others to take on tasks the manipulator should do but intentionally avoids.
Why is Weaponized Incompetence a Problem?
Now I hear some of you saying, “Isn’t it better for one person to do something if they’re better at it?” or perhaps even arguing, “Well, I’ve tried to do something in the past, but apparently I do it wrong so why should I bother anyway?” The problem with weaponized incompetence has nothing to do with who is better at what tasks or with someone’s partner not liking how they do things. The problem is that it demonstrates a huge lack of respect for others.
Those who use weaponized incompetence to push others to complete certain tasks aren’t usually trying to keep things fair. There is nothing wrong with someone genuinely not knowing how to do something. Or even knowing how to do it but just being bad at it. The key difference is their willingness to learn so that they can do it on their own next time. Without that willingness to learn and do better, the weaponized incompetence will act like a poison in your relationship, whether it is a romantic one or not.
Signs of Weaponized Incompetence
While weaponized incompetence is often intentional, it can also be unintentional. Sometimes, we all just subconsciously want to take the path of least resistance, and it’s certainly a lot easier to have someone else complete tasks for us that we aren’t confident in or just plain don’t know how to do.
Weaponized incompetence, intentional or not, is still a problem though. So let’s go over some common signs that may help you recognize it in the people around you or even yourself.
Common phrases:
- “I’ve never done that before, I don’t know how.” (And refusing to learn)
- “You’re so much better at…”
- “You know I’m terrible at…”
- “Don’t you remember what happened the last time…?”
- “X is too confusing for me.”
Common actions:
- Repeating the same mistakes
- Suddenly messing up tasks they used to have no issues with
- Making one mistake and using that as an excuse as to why they should never try again
- Making empty promises that never get fulfilled because they conveniently always “forget”
- Completing tasks in a way that unnecessarily puts extra work or strain on others
How to Handle Someone Using Weaponized Incompetence
Now that you know the meaning of weaponized incompetence and how to recognize it, let’s talk about how to actually deal with it.
Offer Alternative Tasks
If there is a task that you, your partner, or whoever in your life just truly does not want to do, then one option that could work for you is to compromise. Offer to swap tasks of roughly equal effort. At home, this may look like agreeing that one person doesn’t have to clean out the cat’s litter box if the other will be responsible for changing the bed sheets.
The goal is to barter some sort of equivalent exchange rather than having one person end up trying to handle everything on their own. The division of labor ought to be fair but that doesn’t mean you can’t communicate your likes and dislikes of certain things. Ideally, everyone will want to work towards an equitable solution and will be open to your suggestions.
Teach Them
One of the go-to excuses used when weaponizing incompetence is based on a lack of knowledge. If someone claims they don’t know how to do something “the right way,” the simplest way to counter is to teach them what “the right way” is. It can also help to explain why that method is “the right way.” Make sure you don’t do the work for them, though. The most you want to do is offer guidance while they try on their own.
Unfortunately, this isn’t a foolproof counter to weaponized incompetence. Many manipulators will go along with it until left on their own again and simply mess things up on purpose, claiming they don’t know what went wrong. Even if you tell them how to do it over and over again.
In these worst-case scenarios, you may have to either try to roll with the consequences of their intentional incompetence or attempt to gently parent them into being responsible. If neither of those works, there is also the option of involving other people. While they may still stick to their metaphoric guns even then, most people don’t actually like others thinking they’re incompetent. This means that publicly shaming a chronic manipulator every now and then may help do them some good in the long run.
Establish Firm Boundaries
We can’t control what other people do or how they act. The most we can do is be respectful and stick to our boundaries. You may end up dealing with someone determined to weaponize their incompetence no matter what you do or how many solutions you offer.
You can’t make anyone do something they are determined not to do. If that’s the case, all there is left to do is let them know where you draw the line. If they still want to cross that line, there should be consequences. Of course, it is up to you to determine the severity of those consequences.
I don’t recommend going nuclear immediately. However, if you’ve tried everything you can to find a solution to get them to do their own work and they still insist on trying to manipulate you, it’s important to show them that you aren’t simply going to take it. You are not a doormat, and you deserve to have your time respected.
While I touched on it briefly, weaponized incompetence exists outside of more than just our interpersonal relationships. According to the HuffPost, it is also widely experienced in the workplace. I hope this has helped you understand the meaning of weaponized incompetence and how to recognize/ navigate it in the future.
If it really comes down to it and you just can’t find a way to mutually resolve the weaponized incompetence, you can always check out our blog on talking to people who don’t respect you.
