Devin Dornbrock It’s basically a cliche at this point. In every mid rom-com, there’s a side plot where the main character’s love life seems hopeless so they go to their friend for advice. Their friend tells them they’re making things too easy and (wo)men like a chase. Main character tries to follow said advice and disaster usually ensues. But when you’re struggling to get your crush’s attention, you’re willing to try just about anything. Which is why we’re talking about whether or not playing hard to get even works.
Yes, Playing Hard to Get Actually Does Work
I could draw things out and discuss whether or not playing hard to get even works, but I’d rather just jump right in. So yes, playing hard to get does work.
Maybe I’m the only one who is surprised to find that out. Something about pretending you’re not interested in someone kind of flies in the face of all that open and honest communication we usually talk about. You even interpret it as lying to someone to get their interest, a huge ‘no-no’ for building a healthy relationship.
Weirdly enough, playing hard to get is better for building long-lasting relationships than for quick flings or shallow connections. At least when it’s done the right way, you can do it the wrong way by either playing too hard to get or not enough. If you want to see actual results and a real relationship at the end of the tunnel, you’ll need to find a good middle-of-the-road approach.
You’ll also want to know when to stop playing hard to get and commit fully to the relationship. Keeping the game going too long will make you seem emotionally unavailable, and that’s not really what you should be going for when it comes to long-term relationships.
The Psychology Behind It
So, how exactly does playing hard to get work? The short answer is that it’s mostly psychology…. The longer answer is that multiple factors come together to create a perfect storm—one that changes the way your crush perceives you and makes them re-evaluate their own feelings.
According to a study from 2013, there are five general tactics you want to employ when playing hard to get:
- Make them think you don’t have much free time
- Sound busy
- Make it hard for them to get a hold of you
- Get their attention, then disregard it
- Show interest but let it fade
When following the above tactics, most of us tend to display certain behaviors, too. It’s easier to come off as more confident, interactions become more meaningful, and we may even spend less time overthinking. All of this can lead to a much better chance of ending up with the person you’re into.
Playing hard to get also taps into the theory of supply and demand. When a resource is limited, it often rises in value because of perceived scarcity. The specific resource, in this instance, just happens to be your attention. Funny enough, giving your crush less of your attention can lead them actually to give you more of their own. The whole “wanting what you can’t have” thing and feeling like something rare will be more rewarding when you finally get it.
Should You Play Hard to Get?
Now that we know playing hard to get does work, the question becomes whether or not you should be doing it. Until now, it seemed like there were no down sides, so why not go for it, right? Except playing hard to get isn’t a surefire method of getting someone’s attention. It can backfire if you’re careless or the conditions aren’t right.
First and foremost, playing hard to get won’t work on someone who isn’t at least somewhat interested in you.
Playing hard to get doesn’t create feelings out of thin air; it helps the feelings already there grow. Think about it. If some random person came up to you on the street, acted interested in you, flirted a little but suddenly became distant and backed away, you probably wouldn’t try to follow them. You may think about them from time to time, but you won’t feel like you missed out on a real connection.
This is why playing hard to get with someone who isn’t interested in you will make them even less interested. Without pre-existing emotional investment, they have no reason to chase after you.
In simpler terms, when done right, playing hard to get makes someone want you more. It isn’t what makes them start wanting you in the first place.
If you’re looking for more advice on dating, try checking out our blog on small romantic gestures to sweep them off their feet!
