Devin Dornbrock Estimated reading time: 5 minutes
Everyone knows what it feels like when you just can’t say no. Whether in certain situations or to specific people, sometimes, no matter how much you don’t want to, you find yourself just going along with what everyone else wants. If it’s a once-in-a-while thing, it’s not too bad, especially if you learn from the past and eventually figure out how to say no. It’s bound to make you miserable when it’s a nearly day-to-day thing, so I want to give you some tips on stopping being a pushover.
Ease Into It
If you know you’re a pushover or a people pleaser, you don’t have to change everything about yourself to stop it suddenly. You can dip one toe in at a time at your own pace. Which can look a bit different depending on the things you struggle with the most.
If you struggle with saying yes to too many requests from others, you can try agreeing to those requests but suggesting that the requester be involved. Rather than just agreeing to do everything for them, you can say you’ll help them do it. If you’re asked to make special cookies for a bake sale or even do someone’s homework for them, let them know you would be happy to teach them how to do it at such and such time.
The goal is to subtly show others that you’re willing to help out, but they can’t just dump 100% of the work on you.
Being Assertive Doesn’t Mean Starting Conflict
The hardest part about standing up for yourself can sometimes be the fear of conflict. It’s easier to just go along with what other people want than to try to say no. Trust me, I know the feeling. Instead of just letting people walk all over you, though, try to politely redirect their request.
Imagine that someone is asking you to let them borrow your notes, but you don’t feel comfortable with them or need them yourself. Rather than telling them straight up “no” and risking some sort of conflict with that person, redirect them.
When someone asks you to do something, you can always offer alternatives that don’t involve you. In the above scenario, rather than telling this person that they can’t use your notes, you can tell them that someone else has better notes that would be more useful, or you can even refer them to an online source. If they pressure you further, you can try offering to give them an outline later on through email. The last option isn’t ideal but is a small step in the right direction.
Just Say Thanks Instead of Sorry
One of the easiest pitfalls for a pushover is to over-apologize for things they really have no reason to apologize for—things that are out of your control or that you had no involvement in but feel pressured into apologizing for anyway. And then, of course, if anyone mentions that you over-apologize, you’ll apologize for over-apologizing.
Being able to say sorry is a great skill to have. Don’t get me wrong, when you over-apologize, though, you can actually chip away at your self-confidence. When you apologize too much, you can fall into a habit of feeling guilt all the time. That guilt can, in turn, lead to shame, which leeches confidence. This is especially true if you’re subconsciously seeking reassurance that things aren’t your fault but fail to get that reassurance. Which you probably will the more you unnecessarily apologize.
The next time you feel the urge to apologize, think about what you want to say. Rather than saying “sorry” all the time, try saying “thank you”.” Showing gratitude and appreciation will be better received than constantly apologizing. It may even help improve your mental health.
Research has shown that showing gratitude has numerous positive effects on both the brain and mental health in general. (If you’d like to see more about those studies, Nami has a great collection of summaries and links!).
You’re Not a Jerk For Setting Boundaries (No Matter What Anyone Says)
While most of these tips are some of the more subtle ways to stop being a pushover, it can still be challenging to follow through with these changes. When you feel like a pushover, it’s typically because you’re afraid of letting others down. Setting boundaries and trying to stand up for yourself is not letting anyone down.
The people around you may not like that you’re setting boundaries. They may even test them or try to ignore them entirely. In the worst case, they could even try to make you feel bad for trying to set them in the first place.
The people who try to make you feel bad for having boundaries by claiming you’re selfish or that you’ve changed in a bad way aren’t your friends. If they can’t respect your boundaries, then it’s clear they can’t respect you either, and those aren’t the types of people you want in your life.
If you need a little help setting boundaries, we have a slew of articles on how to do so in different scenarios and with different people. It’s going to be hard at first; it may even feel impossible. If you keep trying, though, you’ll get there.
