Devin Dornbrock One of the most important parts of life is the relationships we build with the people we love. Not all of those relationships are meant to be, though. Unfortunately, some of those are even harmful to us in the end. By the time we recognize that, it is often too late to stop the damage from being done. Breaking things off is only the first step, though. Recovering from a toxic relationship is an ordeal in itself, and one many of us struggle with.
It’s Normal to Mourn
Relationships can be toxic in a lot of different ways. Some are mentally abusive, others physically, and some just seem to bring out the worst in those involved. No matter how toxic your relationship was, it is okay to mourn its loss.
Presumably, there was a reason for you to care about the person in your relationship, even if they were toxic. It’s okay to grieve the loss of that reason. You lost someone you used to love. That is always going to hurt. It doesn’t matter if it would hurt more to stay with them; knowing that doesn’t erase the pain you feel now.
It’s important to let yourself acknowledge and feel the pain of the end of your relationship, especially a toxic one. Research shows that relationships (especially toxic ones) have a real and tangible effect on us and our bodies. Trying to brush off that effect because you’re no longer in the relationship doesn’t make it go away.
When you try to ignore the pain you feel about ending a toxic relationship, it’s like trying to put a cap on a bottle of coke. A bottle of coke that had some mentos dropped into it. Just because a small amount of mentos were dropped in doesn’t mean the reaction won’t happen. The Coke is still going to explode all over the place whether you try to put the cap on or not. And you’re still the one responsible for cleaning up the aftermath. Pretending the mentos don’t exist doesn’t mean the mess doesn’t happen; it just means you’re unprepared to deal with it.
Prioritize Yourself For a While
We all need time and space to breathe after a breakup. Toxic relationships often ask us to put the relationship first, even to the detriment of our personal well-being. If you’re used to doing that, it can be pretty much impossible to change overnight. Priorities get twisted, and it can take a long time to untwist them.
This is why it’s important to have some time by yourself before jumping into a new relationship. You may even need to re-learn how to be single. Things are just different when you’re single versus when you’re in a relationship.
Figuring out how to be alone without being lonely is a process, sometimes a long one, which is okay. It’s much better to take the time to figure things out on your own now so you can learn to make yourself happy before getting into a new relationship.
When you don’t give yourself enough time to process, or if you’re still recovering from a toxic relationship, it’s way too easy to dredge up old trauma with your new partner. Or to fall into old, toxic habits even if your new relationship is perfectly healthy. Bringing those old habits and wounds and putting them on someone new isn’t fair to you or them. It won’t make you feel any better, and all it will do is cause more pain and trauma for everyone.
You Don’t Have To Heal Alone
While putting yourself first for a while is important, that doesn’t mean you need to be isolated. Reach out to friends and spend time with the people you care about. In most cases just being around family and friends will help heal. Knowing you have their moral support, even without explicitly talking about what happened, takes a huge mental load off.
Surrounding yourself with loved ones is a huge part of learning to be alone without being lonely. You don’t need to be in a relationship to love or be loved in return. Platonic relationships are also hugely important.
Of course, this does not mean you should trauma-dollop on your friends and turn them into your personal therapists. If you want to talk a bit about what happened, that’s fine. Hearing their perspective may help you find a new one of your own. Good friends want to help you and be there for you. Support ought to be a two-way street, though. Not everyone is equipped to take on the emotional load of your problems, especially if they’re already struggling with their own.
Recovering from a toxic relationship isn’t easy to do. It’s probably going to hurt—a lot. Healing is absolutely possible, though. It just might take some time. Time to understand your feelings and learn how to handle things differently in the future.
