Breakups are never fun, but sometimes they are needed. Maybe something is nagging you in the back of your mind that something in your relationship isn’t quite right. Or perhaps you’re at an impasse, and you have to look at your relationship. Is what you want for your future the same as what your partner wants? Whatever the reason may be, the decision was made to break up and has left you alone. 

Breakups are hard

Just because you broke up with someone for the right reason or what felt like the right reason doesn’t make it any easier. Losing someone you loved and cared for in your day-to-day life blows and can stir up a mess of emotions. It’s hard to process your frustration, anger, and sadness when, in your head, doubt and nostalgia bombard you. It’s so easy to think we made a mistake when all we can think about are the good times. That weird mix of emotions can be confusing, especially if you’re the one who broke up with the person. So not only are you emotional, but your feelings seem to contradict each other. But the ability to sit in that contradiction is a sign of maturity. Knowing the hard choice you made is the same as the right choice. Psychology Today’s article on mature breakups words it best. “I am a person who strives to be kind, and I am a person whose choice is creating hurt. Maturity is about making space for these competing truths without letting one obliterate the other.” 

Tips for a mature breakup

We all have coping mechanisms. The easiest of each are the negative ones. It’s so much easier to get over someone if I can devalue the time spent with them. But that coping mechanism is not inherently bad. It just isn’t sustainable. This leads me to the first thing tip or thing to keep in mind. 

Just because they weren’t right for you doesn’t mean they were a bad person

It’s easy to villainize an ex for the sake of our heartache. “I left them because they were bad.” Things ended, and that sucks, but we need to stop this trend of bad-mouthing exes. Now, if they were genuinely a bad person or abusive in any way, then ignore my statement. But no one is perfect, and that imperfection doesn’t equate to that they were a bad person. It just means they were flawed. Remembering that simple truth will let you look back on your relationship in a different light instead of all negatives. 

Focus on yourself

The most cliche thing anyone can say to you after a breakup is to focus on yourself. But it’s true. Growth can hurt. I think about the growing pains I had during puberty and how much those hurt, so I can expect emotional and mental growth to hurt as well. But it’s all about perspective. If I sit back and trash the relationship I was in with my ex, not only am I hurting them, but I am also hurting myself. All that trashing is going to do is make me feel guilty and shameful. Instead of asking yourself why you wasted so much time with that person, ask yourself what you’ve learned from your time with them. 

The Unknown

One of my favorite scenes from Boondocks is when Gin Rummy is explaining to Huey and Riley about “Known Knowns,” “Known Unknowns,” and “Unknown Unknowns.” There are things we know, things we know we don’t know, and things we don’t know we don’t know. (I hope that makes sense.) And breaking up with someone feels like we are stranding ourselves into that unknown territory of life. What will happen next? Will I regret leaving them? Will I ever find someone else? How do I be alone? Facing those questions head-on can be terrifying, but it will also grow and mature you as an individual. The unknowns of a post-breakup life can challenge us, but it can also show us how resilient we are. So while this time may be challenging, learn to love yourself and remember who you are as an individual, and the pain of your past will wash away with time. 

To sum it up

While breakups are complicated and mixed with all sorts of contradicting emotions, they sometimes are necessary. Devaluing your past relationship is doing nothing but cheating you on the chance to grow as a person. This is all said more easily than done, but nothing in life worth having is easy. So while the unknown might be scary, remember to focus on yourself and your growth and that there was a reason you broke up with that person. 


  1. […] hesitant, we’ve got tons of other blogs to help you out., from figuring out your baggage to breaking up to figuring out the whole marriage thing. We’ve got advice for every stage in a relationship, […]

    1. I recently separated from my wife. The absolutely hardest thing I have ever done.
      I’ve been miserable for the last three days.
      So far,it has been amicable.
      This article was the exact thing I needed to process the myriad of emotions I’ve been dealing with.
      Like a road map for my soul!
      Thank you so very much!

  2. That was really interesting and helpful

    1. We’re happy you found it helpful!

  3. I’m so grateful with your advise, but I need help to this issue which is puzzling my heart I broke up with a lady whom I produced with a kid for 3yrs but now she is insisting to meet with me for sex, but I’m married, What can I do?

    1. Hi Asaba,
      Sounds like a complicated situation. The best thing to do would stay faithful to your spouse and tell them about what is going on! You wouldn’t want them to find out from someone else and make it feel like you were hiding something from them right?

      1. I’ve been wanting to leave my toxic relationship.

        For some reason I’m being pulled back in to this relationship I don’t wanna be in.

        No kids no house no nothing with this woman.

        What should I do and I feel like I’m wasting and wasted my time with this partner.

        1. If you’re determined to leave, one thing you can try is to come up with a plan. Get exact details about how you’ll leave, when you’ll tell them, what you’ll say etc. Even better if you can talk with someone outside the relationship to have as moral support.

  4. Help am emotionally downcast my boyfriend ended the relationship on Saturday telling me he lost interest am not okay as I am

    1. I’m so sorry to hear that. The first thing to do is to understand that you deserve better than him!

  5. How do I bring back the feelings because he told me it was because of our misunderstanding he is been loosing interest gradually till he later breakup

    1. Unfortunately you can’t change the way other people feel so it will be very difficult to rekindle his feelings. In the long run it will be better for you to let him go and move on. It is going to hurt now but you will be able to find someone who want to make things work no matter what misunderstandings happen.

  6. Thank you, just realised he has 4 children outside marriage. With another family, Not easy to convince my mind to settle down. Wondering of the next steps. Please help he doesn’t know that iam informed

    1. A tricky situation for sure. If he was hiding the children, it may be time to reconsider your relationship. Especially if you’re not ready to be a part of the children’s lives. If your relationship is new and he just hadn’t figured out how to tell you yet, you’ll definitely want to have a serious talk with him after evaluating what kind of relationship you want to have with him in the future.

  7. Thomas Naturale

    Thank you for an article that makes me really think, and evaluate my relationship. Although it makes me think, like your article says it is Not easy, because there is still love in my relationship, and I have been hurt before but don’t want to hurt her. We are older adults and she has 2 daughters one married the other soon to be, they are 25 and 27yrs old and in the beginning it was ok but now she bends over backwards, not only for them but the sons in law too, anyway I have been rolling along but now just feel like the hired help, do this do that, and our love life had gone down the drain, but we still make out occasionally, but I think she has lost any interest in sex. I am getting ready to hit the escape button but as I’ve said I do love her, and think of life without her and am kinda sad. I remember what our lives were like pre covid, which has definitely threw a wet blanket on our Love life. We do not live together but spend weekends and vacations together. She has gotten very negative about life in general since she had covid and lost her smell and taste and over 1year it has not returned, I loved going out to eat, but now it’s a chore, anyway, thanks again for the article and making me think it may be the beginning of the end of our relationship, and yes it hurts.

    1. We hope things can work out with you and your partner. The best thing to do is always communicate honestly and openly. Try to sit her down and talk with her about what worries you and what important things are no longer in your relationship. It could be the end for you but it doesn’t necessarily have to be.
      However things end up, we hope you can have an intimate conversation with her so you’re both on the same page about how to move forward.

  8. The write up about breaking up was a very interesting view of how to and has opened up the subject of this topic. I’m in a place of wanting to break up in a app chat and don’t want to just delete. Now I feel as if some time I can get an answer.

  9. Hi!
    I’m in the verge of making a move to Break up with my husband. Since last year I almost did Break up with him. I told him everything how I feel. But ended up giving him a chance Since we have 3 children. Our family is truly beautiful. But I’m feeling like loosing interest and that overflowing love with my husband is about to be gone completely. He is cheap. I get that. We’ve been married for 12 yrs. But recently I’m getting tired trying to understand him. I don’t like arguing with him when it comes of money. I don’t like how he complained the bill after eating at the restaurant. Especially if we’re on a date.. It’s not a real man for me to imagine. It’s too rare for us to have a date. Lately we finally find a way to have a date. Only having a breakfast date in the restaurant near our home. I’m a foreigner and no family here. And my husband’s family lives in different state. So we really don’t have family members with us living near us except friends. Even hiring one of my friends for babysitting. My husband doesn’t want it. Because it’s a waste of money. But anyway I still tried to understand him. That’s why we agreed just to have breakfast in the morning right after my work. I work part time night shift. I’m a full time Mom. Sometimes I paid our meal so that I don’t have to hear anything bad mouthing from my husband. I feel totally ashamed and embarrassed especially if people might hear him.
    That’s why there’s a part of me telling me that I’m wasting my time staying with him as my husband for the rest of my life. I don’t like to feel this way all the time whenever he acted like that. I have so much respect on him. I don’t want to end up breaking up with him in a chaotic way. I love our children the most. I just thought of going back to my country and leave them all after the break up.. (to help me move forward even it will kill my heart being away with my children)
    I guess he will never change those personality that I don’t like.
    Last year my husband told me. (I totally forgot what was all about that we’ve gone through. All I know it was a lot for me. But I chose to give him a chance and continue having a beautiful family with him since I still have that love)
    Last yr he says– If I’m planning on leaving him, go ahead! I’ll have my parents to watch the kids! The kids doesn’t need you! We don’t need you!! – When he says those words. I feel heart broken. I couldn’t bear leaving my children behind.. and it brings back memories for me again of what he says last year..
    If you are in my shoes, what would you do?
    P.s- sorry for my incorrect sentences.
    Thank you for putting your time reading here. I truly appreciate it.

    1. That’s a really tough situation. Unfortunately you cannot make someone care about you. If he doesn’t want to spend time with you or show you that he cares and has even said he doesn’t care if you leave it sounds like the relationship won’t be easy to save. The best thing to do would be to try couple’s counseling. Hopefully that would be able to help you both communicate better and find a compromise.
      In the short term, you can try forming friendships outside of your family to build a support network for yourself as well.

  10. I broke up with my girlfriend of 20 years, yeah should have been married. I have one 16 yo girl with her. I love her but wasn’t in love, she loved me so much and took care of me so good. That is why I stayed with her for so long. After our child was born she didn’t want my mom coming to our house so much, at one point she told her she doesn’t have to come so often. My mom love her but after that she felt hurt by her and end up having a big argument. Little by little she stop going to family functions and holidays. It’s been 2 weeks since the break up and she sends me texts saying that how much she loves my and that I wasted her time, that she’s going to die alone . She’s only 43. We met up and tried to to works things out, I’m not happy but it’s hard to let her go because I feel it’s my fault i wasted her life with me and now I owe her . I’m so confused with my life
    And help ?

  11. I feel shallow typing this, but an outside perspective would mean a lot- I know there are trade offs in relationships some you’re willing to have some that are deal breakers, but I’ve been dating a great girl for 2yrs and while I love who she is and that doesn’t obviously do any detailing justice- I feel like I’ve gotten to a point where the physical attraction is keeping me from taking this relationship further- I don’t know what to do- it would kill me to not give her the things she doesn’t want in this life, kids, commitment, etc but I’m struggling with how much I’ve felt attracted to partners in the past even though they probably didn’t have the stability, maturity, and overall success professionally that she has. I feel like I’m self sabotaging myself at every turn and I’m afraid I’m just not happy because of my indecision on this. Again, feel like a douche typing this out, but appreciate the anonymity in having your thoughts

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