Jose-Andres Alegria Breakups are never fun, but sometimes they are needed. Maybe something is nagging you in the back of your mind that something in your relationship isn’t quite right. Or perhaps you’re at an impasse, and you have to look at your relationship. Is what you want for your future the same as what your partner wants? Whatever the reason may be, the decision was made to break up and has left you alone.
Breakups are hard
Just because you broke up with someone for the right reason or what felt like the right reason doesn’t make it any easier. Losing someone you loved and cared for in your day-to-day life blows and can stir up a mess of emotions. It’s hard to process your frustration, anger, and sadness when, in your head, doubt and nostalgia bombard you. It’s so easy to think we made a mistake when all we can think about are the good times. That weird mix of emotions can be confusing, especially if you’re the one who broke up with the person. So not only are you emotional, but your feelings seem to contradict each other. But the ability to sit in that contradiction is a sign of maturity. Knowing the hard choice you made is the same as the right choice. Psychology Today’s article on mature breakups words it best. “I am a person who strives to be kind, and I am a person whose choice is creating hurt. Maturity is about making space for these competing truths without letting one obliterate the other.”
Tips for a mature breakup
We all have coping mechanisms. The easiest of each are the negative ones. It’s so much easier to get over someone if I can devalue the time spent with them. But that coping mechanism is not inherently bad. It just isn’t sustainable. This leads me to the first thing tip or thing to keep in mind.
Just because they weren’t right for you doesn’t mean they were a bad person
It’s easy to villainize an ex for the sake of our heartache. “I left them because they were bad.” Things ended, and that sucks, but we need to stop this trend of bad-mouthing exes. Now, if they were genuinely a bad person or abusive in any way, then ignore my statement. But no one is perfect, and that imperfection doesn’t equate to that they were a bad person. It just means they were flawed. Remembering that simple truth will let you look back on your relationship in a different light instead of all negatives.
Focus on yourself
The most cliche thing anyone can say to you after a breakup is to focus on yourself. But it’s true. Growth can hurt. I think about the growing pains I had during puberty and how much those hurt, so I can expect emotional and mental growth to hurt as well. But it’s all about perspective. If I sit back and trash the relationship I was in with my ex, not only am I hurting them, but I am also hurting myself. All that trashing is going to do is make me feel guilty and shameful. Instead of asking yourself why you wasted so much time with that person, ask yourself what you’ve learned from your time with them.
The Unknown
One of my favorite scenes from Boondocks is when Gin Rummy is explaining to Huey and Riley about “Known Knowns,” “Known Unknowns,” and “Unknown Unknowns.” There are things we know, things we know we don’t know, and things we don’t know we don’t know. (I hope that makes sense.) And breaking up with someone feels like we are stranding ourselves into that unknown territory of life. What will happen next? Will I regret leaving them? Will I ever find someone else? How do I be alone? Facing those questions head-on can be terrifying, but it will also grow and mature you as an individual. The unknowns of a post-breakup life can challenge us, but it can also show us how resilient we are. So while this time may be challenging, learn to love yourself and remember who you are as an individual, and the pain of your past will wash away with time.
To sum it up
While breakups are complicated and mixed with all sorts of contradicting emotions, they sometimes are necessary. Devaluing your past relationship is doing nothing but cheating you on the chance to grow as a person. This is all said more easily than done, but nothing in life worth having is easy. So while the unknown might be scary, remember to focus on yourself and your growth and that there was a reason you broke up with that person.
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That was really interesting and helpful
Thanks
We’re happy you found it helpful!
I’m so grateful with your advise, but I need help to this issue which is puzzling my heart I broke up with a lady whom I produced with a kid for 3yrs but now she is insisting to meet with me for sex, but I’m married, What can I do?
Hi Asaba,
Sounds like a complicated situation. The best thing to do would stay faithful to your spouse and tell them about what is going on! You wouldn’t want them to find out from someone else and make it feel like you were hiding something from them right?
I’ve been wanting to leave my toxic relationship.
For some reason I’m being pulled back in to this relationship I don’t wanna be in.
No kids no house no nothing with this woman.
What should I do and I feel like I’m wasting and wasted my time with this partner.
If you’re determined to leave, one thing you can try is to come up with a plan. Get exact details about how you’ll leave, when you’ll tell them, what you’ll say etc. Even better if you can talk with someone outside the relationship to have as moral support.
Help am emotionally downcast my boyfriend ended the relationship on Saturday telling me he lost interest am not okay as I am
I’m so sorry to hear that. The first thing to do is to understand that you deserve better than him!
How do I bring back the feelings because he told me it was because of our misunderstanding he is been loosing interest gradually till he later breakup
Unfortunately you can’t change the way other people feel so it will be very difficult to rekindle his feelings. In the long run it will be better for you to let him go and move on. It is going to hurt now but you will be able to find someone who want to make things work no matter what misunderstandings happen.
Thank you, just realised he has 4 children outside marriage. With another family, Not easy to convince my mind to settle down. Wondering of the next steps. Please help he doesn’t know that iam informed
A tricky situation for sure. If he was hiding the children, it may be time to reconsider your relationship. Especially if you’re not ready to be a part of the children’s lives. If your relationship is new and he just hadn’t figured out how to tell you yet, you’ll definitely want to have a serious talk with him after evaluating what kind of relationship you want to have with him in the future.
Thank you for an article that makes me really think, and evaluate my relationship. Although it makes me think, like your article says it is Not easy, because there is still love in my relationship, and I have been hurt before but don’t want to hurt her. We are older adults and she has 2 daughters one married the other soon to be, they are 25 and 27yrs old and in the beginning it was ok but now she bends over backwards, not only for them but the sons in law too, anyway I have been rolling along but now just feel like the hired help, do this do that, and our love life had gone down the drain, but we still make out occasionally, but I think she has lost any interest in sex. I am getting ready to hit the escape button but as I’ve said I do love her, and think of life without her and am kinda sad. I remember what our lives were like pre covid, which has definitely threw a wet blanket on our Love life. We do not live together but spend weekends and vacations together. She has gotten very negative about life in general since she had covid and lost her smell and taste and over 1year it has not returned, I loved going out to eat, but now it’s a chore, anyway, thanks again for the article and making me think it may be the beginning of the end of our relationship, and yes it hurts.
We hope things can work out with you and your partner. The best thing to do is always communicate honestly and openly. Try to sit her down and talk with her about what worries you and what important things are no longer in your relationship. It could be the end for you but it doesn’t necessarily have to be.
However things end up, we hope you can have an intimate conversation with her so you’re both on the same page about how to move forward.