You attract what you project seems pretty straightforward, right? There are plenty of people in the world who you could potentially date but are they what you are looking for in a partner? This isn’t completely a question about compatibility but deals with what you want in a partner. 

We all have a type of person we would like to date and not necessarily just physical types. I had this conversation with my friends during Christmas. What are the three most important characteristics a potential partner needs to have, and what are three red flags. It was a pretty good conversation. Every once in a while, the boys and I will have a somewhat serious conversation in between the shenanigans we talk about daily. 

Wants & Red Flags

My biggest must-have is teamwork. We all have our reasons for wanting what we want. Mine happens to be my parents. I grew up watching their lack of collaboration and watching the burden of being a breadwinner, and homemaker fall on my mom was tough. As a kid, you don’t realize how much your parent’s relationship will skew your view of relationships for good and bad. 

The second most important to me is honesty/integrity. Again, I get this from my parents, or more specifically, my mom. You ever just know someone who would fall on their sword before doing something shady to save their butt? That’s my mom. And it’s not always some big gesture of being honest, but more of a habitual everyday thing. It’s the reason that I go to my mom for advice about life and work because I know she won’t sugarcoat anything or tell me what I want to hear. 

My biggest red flag is codependency. I’ve seen what codependency is like through some friends. I need my space. I need my time. And I definitely need my partner to have a life and identity outside of the relationship. I get this from my mom. (Shocker.) My mom is the most independent person you will ever meet. 

One of my college roommates never left his room. For three years, we maybe saw him once or twice a week. He would just lock himself in his room with his then-girlfriend and do everything together. I would have felt suffocated. On the rare occasion he hung out with us, she would be there. I just couldn’t do that.


How is this relevant to attracting what you project? To want those things in my partner, I also need to exhibit them in my daily life. If I want someone independent, then I need to be independent. So knowing what you want in a partner is great, but then you have to ask yourself, “Am I the person that they want or deserve?” 

It can be easy to find something you want or don’t want but have you taken the time to look introspectively to see if you live up to the same standard you are mentally imposing on a potential partner. 

With quarantine, most of us have been living in our sweatpants and wearing the same t-shirt for days on end, but what were you like before quarantine? Do you want someone who cares about what they wear and looks nice most of the time? Then shouldn’t you do the same? Most people that love to work out and be healthy want their partners to have the same mentality. 


You attract what you project. I’m a homebody. My ideal Saturday is taking my dog to the dog park, reading a book, drinking some tea, playing some video games, and binge-watching tv or movies. And trust me when I tell you, I give off that vibe. I met someone one time, and they were the most outgoing, high-energy person I have ever met. My introverted self was exhausted 30 seconds into meeting them. But she was giving off anime main character energy that I could never dream of matching. 

So you attract what you project, and sometimes that can be a good thing, and sometimes it can be a bad thing. It’s just up to you to look at yourself and honestly figure out if you are projecting into the world what you want; otherwise, you might be a little disappointed. 

If you want to work on what you’re projecting, you might have to deal with some baggage first. So here’s an article on Letting Go of Your Baggage. 

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